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Sunday, January 27, 2008

Things I Learned On TV, Episode I


I'm taking stock of the things I have learned from my television this last few weeks. While I am a skeptic, we can't argue with TV. After all it's TV we're talking about. Networks, both big and small are spending billions of dollars producing this information for the betterment of mankind. It would be rude to question any of it.

Firstly, most scientists on TV are underwear models, except in Miami, where everyone, especially the women, are underwear models. Medical examiners are crusty, but lovable  geezers who, while well past retirement age, just love their job dissecting rotten corpses too much to quit.

Also, unlike any of the swimming pools I've ever visited, all the women are about twenty, "augmented" and saving the environment by using as little cloth as possible. What strikes me as most unusual is the fact that all these women are wearing expensive Italian high heels. Extremely high heels. Next to the pool. No woman I've ever known who wore Italian high heels would dream of wearing them next to the pool. I've obviously been mistaken all this time.

Only losers, except cops, work in New York City. Sure they are models, photographers, designers, editors, authors and brokers, but none of these actually works for a living.  It's a wonder that there is any work ethic at all in that blighted city.

From the History Channel I learned that the only archaeology that matters happens in the borders of greater Israel. This must come as quite a blow to the Chinese, Indian Sub Continent, Meso-America and Europe. Rome gets a mention, but mostly in relationship with Israel. Greece? Nah.

Some police departments depend entirely on the aid of brilliant, quirky civilians to solve most cases. Who knew. How much tax money could we save by turning things over to these adorable amateurs. I was under the impression that most crime occurred in the poorer sections of cities. Not so. Beverly hills seems to have the highest homicide rate in the nation, and most of those murders happen at movie star's posh parties.

The best way to find talented musicians, singers mostly, is to sort them out from hundreds of wretched amateurs while snotty has beens pelt the deluded high school drop outs with scripted witticisms.  The sorting is done via elections more questionable than Gore V. Bush in 2000 Florida. And I thought it took paying dues, learning  the craft, and catching a lucky break. Silly me.

I'm sure I'll learn lots more in the coming weeks, and will report to my loyal reader.

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