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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My War Policy

If Obama calls me to be an advisor I would suggest that he thinks long and hard about the native cuisine of the country we invade. The Texas Revolution and the Mexican wars reinforced our cravings for tortilla, bean and chili pepper based dishes. The Civil war spread fried chicken from sea to shining sea. World War I brought an appreciation for French wines and Belgian fried potatoes to our shores, WWII netted us a lust for pasta and red sauce with a further desire for cheeses outside the cheddar variations. Don't get me going on espresso and its variations. Japanese dishes found a firm root with our occupying troops and Korea gave us a taste for kim-chee. While we were and still are occupying Northern Europe boiled potato and cabbage based dishes don't have a joint on every corner flogging perogies. Southeast Asia, mmmmm, gave us noodles of the gods, spicy dishes that take no back seat to any chili pepper. Seafood turns to gold when touched by a Thai chef or his mama. Give me Pho and Spring rolls or give me death

I honestly haven't seen anything coming out of Iraq and especially Afghanistan that I would order off a menu. These are ancient cultures. What gives? It's not like you had no time to make a nice sauce to go with the flat bread. You've got Turkey right next door with all that weapons grade kebob technology and India on the other end making me a follower of Vishnu with all the curries and chutney. Hey Egypt! I'm looking at you. You developed beer three thousand years ago and then forgot about it. What a waste.

May I suggest targets for future wars? Argentina, with mountains of free range beef and European bread making. Forget Africa. After okra, bananas and coffee we've pretty much picked the place clean. How about Spain? They should be easy to beat and all those tasty Mediterranean goodies beckon. I mentioned Turkey, but there are a lot of side dished to be found there. China may be a tougher nut, so we might just have to declare war and immediately surrender. Never have there been a people who can do so much with so little. Canada? Meh. Forget England unless you are a big fan of beans on toast. Ireland. Stew and beer we've got. Greece will probably be at the door this next year begging to be invaded, but I don't think we can afford the upkeep. Besides retsina is wretched. Lamb gyros can be good though.

This foreign policy offers the advantage of good food and low casualty counts. If we are going to war, we may as well get something out of the deal. Certainly we could replace all those half billion dollar F22 Raptors with some really nice cutlery and napkins. How much soy and plum sauce could we get for the price of one Abrams Tank? Everyone knows we all are fatter and fatter every year but now it would be patriotic.

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